Pitstop.

Looking up to the sky, on the pool deck of Ameera with Times in my hands and wet shorts from a swim. Finally, unwinding after 5 grueling weeks. I wouldn't say it was the one of the greatest, but definitely one of the toughest. Isolated, challenged, minimal support. It's a phase I have to take in cause I'M the one that chose this path. 


Gosh, where am I? 


A month ago, I was preparing for Worlds selections, which I chose over mighty minds. I mean yeah, I got selected and all, which I'm throughly satisfied, but more of relieved. Imagine if I didn't get selected. What on earth would I be doing right now? Would I be bothered to hunt down for The Economist? Or maybe spending more time with friends.


Two months ago, was my last round as a team with Claudia and Manda at ASDC. It's really funny, how much has passed. The typical sentiments are shared - I'm horribly going to miss them. Along with Andrew and Jeremy. To think two months ago was the turbo boost for my skill level. To think, two months ago I didn't look fat wearing my threadless tees. 


Three months ago, I was in between attending birthday parties. Petty as it seems, I miss people. To think three months ago I had the time to go out on a school night and have the energy to continue the next day. Nooo, now I come home, crash till dinner and wake up. What a pathetic lifestyle. And who's to blame other than myself? I'm complacent, giving myself the excuse that I'm "exhausted" from debate.




I'm just a ball of misery. Where am I going? 


What if the US Youth Summit @ Jakarta clashes with Final selections?


What if I don't get into the team?


What if I DO get into the team?


How do I resume normal social life? ._.


But the worst thing is, what if I don't perform?


Here's the thing about prioritization - if your #1 fails, you got nothing to fall back on. Sure, I've yet to start orders for the 2nd batch of Dynamitez tee shirts that I'm being bugged for left right centre.. 


//
I can't even bother to look at you, knowing there is no hope in reconciliation. Thanks for being typical. Yes, you. 




//
How do I regain moral consciousness? Is there even a line I should draw?
What is reality.. if it is just a construct of one's own perception? Would reality then be determined by majority, or is it determined by the construct of one's self? 
Do I even have an identity, when EVEN my speaking style is based on copy cats and mimics? 




And yeah Jason, just betray your body like that. Eat whatever you like, there's no need for exercise anymore. 




//
I wonder, how would it be like. To be back with seaylp. The inner me is looking forward to that most. Maybe cause there's a collective mutualism, where we're busy people and we're not expected to talk to each other constantly.




//
I am a lifeless, robot. With excessive comas and maybe an overreactive robot, that wins an Oscar here and there for being a drama queen.


..


Time, please click faster. I have no interest in staying here.