That stupid ceiling.

It's kind of counterproductive sometimes, those Facebook posts about suicide. That very constant reminder is the same thing that opens the avenue. That provides the very paradigm that exit is possible. It is virtually impossible to mitigate suicidal thoughts, and it's just stupid to think that by saying don't do it, things will stop.

The fact is this.

It will never stop.

"It's just another night in the room. Adele is playing through the partially retarded speakers that's been really annoying, constantly acting up. Lying on the bed, looking up to the ceiling. The fluorescent light blinds parts of vision as thoughts of what could be done passed by.

Nothing, nothing could be done. A deadlock has arrived. Just like how the American jury functions, no one can come to an agreement. Not you, Brain. Not you, Guts. Neither you, Emotions. Staring up at the ceiling crease, life looks a lot like that. Narrow, cramped, covered with shadows from the fluorescent light. Where does the shadow end?

Or more importantly, why are some shadows bigger than others? All these creases are the same, but the size of the shadows vary. Pity that shortest shadow, pray it finds a way to be longer one day. Even worse, that crease which is halved by the wall. It's still a crease, isn't it? That's odd, there should be a shadow by laws of science.

BUT, it doesn't. The light, the creases are all fixed. There are two possible ways to fix this horrible conundrum :

1) Shift that stupid fluorescent light.

But that's also pretty stupid. We can never move the Sun.

2) Get a contractor to knock down the wall and somehow make everything equal.

But nah, that's too expensive. Probably would cause too much noise, neighbours wouldn't like it, would they? Better to stick with different sizes of shadows. PROBABLY isn't that big of a deal, anyway, eh.

...Hah, laughing. How can staring at the ceiling cause such thoughts? But there it is anyway, staring every single night. Bed time, in the morning. Right in the eyes.

And one day, resistance is futile. Jumping won't do any good, too short. But the bed is climbed on anyway, still doesn't work. The ceiling just can't be reached. Frustration wallows in the stomach. It seeps to the Heart, where it hurts the most. Like cancer cells, it spreads. Slowly but surely, it finally reaches the Brain. And soon, all rationale is lost.

The deed is done. Letters don't matter. What did anyone else do about that sad crease? A few options could be taken. But the obvious prevails. A rope is hanged from the ceiling fan, and feet slowly get up. It feels the cold skin of the neck. Hey, maybe the weight would be enough to pull the whole ceiling down!

Trying to reconcile with thyself, good effort though. No, cause this is self interest. The Great Perhaps. Just maybe, a new life with a clean slate of memories will be given. Anything but this shit. 

Sure, family, friends suffer as well. But they'll move on. They didn't have the room with the stupid crease. But then, migrating to another room was an option. But abandoning the bed, the wardrobe, the desk?

All at once, the rope tightens, a natural human process has carried out.

A few seconds later, everything blacks out. Man, isn't this peaceful. Isn't this seri..

BAM. It's a dream.

'The fuck was that?"

And you continue. Walking. Existing. But never really living.

Pitstop.

Looking up to the sky, on the pool deck of Ameera with Times in my hands and wet shorts from a swim. Finally, unwinding after 5 grueling weeks. I wouldn't say it was the one of the greatest, but definitely one of the toughest. Isolated, challenged, minimal support. It's a phase I have to take in cause I'M the one that chose this path. 


Gosh, where am I? 


A month ago, I was preparing for Worlds selections, which I chose over mighty minds. I mean yeah, I got selected and all, which I'm throughly satisfied, but more of relieved. Imagine if I didn't get selected. What on earth would I be doing right now? Would I be bothered to hunt down for The Economist? Or maybe spending more time with friends.


Two months ago, was my last round as a team with Claudia and Manda at ASDC. It's really funny, how much has passed. The typical sentiments are shared - I'm horribly going to miss them. Along with Andrew and Jeremy. To think two months ago was the turbo boost for my skill level. To think, two months ago I didn't look fat wearing my threadless tees. 


Three months ago, I was in between attending birthday parties. Petty as it seems, I miss people. To think three months ago I had the time to go out on a school night and have the energy to continue the next day. Nooo, now I come home, crash till dinner and wake up. What a pathetic lifestyle. And who's to blame other than myself? I'm complacent, giving myself the excuse that I'm "exhausted" from debate.




I'm just a ball of misery. Where am I going? 


What if the US Youth Summit @ Jakarta clashes with Final selections?


What if I don't get into the team?


What if I DO get into the team?


How do I resume normal social life? ._.


But the worst thing is, what if I don't perform?


Here's the thing about prioritization - if your #1 fails, you got nothing to fall back on. Sure, I've yet to start orders for the 2nd batch of Dynamitez tee shirts that I'm being bugged for left right centre.. 


//
I can't even bother to look at you, knowing there is no hope in reconciliation. Thanks for being typical. Yes, you. 




//
How do I regain moral consciousness? Is there even a line I should draw?
What is reality.. if it is just a construct of one's own perception? Would reality then be determined by majority, or is it determined by the construct of one's self? 
Do I even have an identity, when EVEN my speaking style is based on copy cats and mimics? 




And yeah Jason, just betray your body like that. Eat whatever you like, there's no need for exercise anymore. 




//
I wonder, how would it be like. To be back with seaylp. The inner me is looking forward to that most. Maybe cause there's a collective mutualism, where we're busy people and we're not expected to talk to each other constantly.




//
I am a lifeless, robot. With excessive comas and maybe an overreactive robot, that wins an Oscar here and there for being a drama queen.


..


Time, please click faster. I have no interest in staying here. 

I adjust my jaw, clear my throat, straighten my tie and unleash my tongue - but that obviously isn't good enough. Isn't it funny.. the one of the only things I was proud to have is probably the absence of stage fright. But no, apparently a room of 30 and a panel of 5 can break that.

A cloud over my head it has put. No, it's been here since January. Q1 2012 feels cloudy, shrouded of light and direction. My personality could very well be slippers being so flip-flop.

Structure, eloquence, clarity.

These days have been missing all 3 of them.

//

What did I take back from 2010? The fact that it was the year I rebelled, broke free of a shell I kept myself in, making 2011 amazing.

What shell can I break this year? Oh, the journey of self enlightenment.

//

I'm so sick, I need a break. It has been going on non-stop since pre-PMR. These 2 weeks to recuperate, heal and mend battle scars. Then, it happens again. The mindless de-connection from face time value with lifemates, scattered efforts drowned by the loud bangings of bureaucracy.. what is left?

An unfit physical body, tainted by the spite and aftermaths of social pressure, marred with the dents of expectations. But with this lies a chance of recovery, for a better future, for a brighter opportunity.

//

What drives me now?

The ability to win an argument? For what temporary pleasure it brings along with the masks that enshrines speakers of the house.

Is it creating a magnificent page for a magazine, that people flip, under appreciates and finally fades away?

Maybe a family, strong and firm.. but for how long until I go back to the weekly turgid struts?

The pursuit of knowledge, far and wide with no limits? I don't even want to imagine.

Gee, the ever changing needs of man. Unstable, nomad.

I'm seeking for now. My backyard, town center, across the ocean, east or west.. I hunger for adventures beyond the sea. But who am I to determine where I go?

//

I'm trying my best to cope. I failed my resolution this year of putting friends as priority #1. For a whole 4 day stretch I failed, blinded by business and things that didn't really count in the end.

Maybe I'm just over thinking, emo-ing this out while I should be sleeping. Yeap, just maybe.

Let there be pictures!

My CNY was better than yours.

From 18/1/12

I’m cooled down. The following rambles are a result of a build up of frustration since 2009 :

I just witnessed the most ridiculous thing in school since the day I started. The commotion that happened today represented any form of intelligence left in handling the students – which is really close to none.

Beginning 2011, I assume all schools started to have their uniform unit meetings after school on Wednesdays. Fair decision, seeing it gives students more free time on Saturdays.

However, today was preposterous. Our school decided to have a pre-announced lock down on every single morning session student. And why is that? So that they can make sure that they attend their weekly meetings.

I am outraged. Coming out from class, I expected some kind of havoc happening at the gates. Our newly appointed co-curriculum head, guarding the only proper way in and out. Students flocking towards the scene, some with confused faces about what was going on.

Together with some of my friends, we were frustrated. WHAT we saw were other students flying out of the unguarded fences on the other side of the school.

WHAT we saw were people using the excuse of “going out for lunch” without their bags, which was justified by our teacher, ONLY to find their bags they threw over from the inside. They walk away, simple and cool as well as their faces not being remembered, cause they went in a large group.

WHAT we saw were students holding their magical passes, which they got SIMPLY because they had the opportunity to get out of class and to get their teacher to sign it. WHAT I saw, was myself leaving behind some who were being forced to attend something they didn’t want to simply because I was a privileged kid and my mum could get me out.

What I saw was those with transporters waiting outside forfeiting their ride home. How often does the school walk the talk? And in this case a really ugly walk. Don’t expect us to believe the announcements, which in history didn’t take place.

I was angry. I was angry that double, triple standards were taking place. Students who simply wanted to get out had to either lie or learn to jump a fence. Others who did not have the heart to do so simply get to see others leaving. All of this in the effort to get students to attend the “very beneficial” uniform unit that’s going on.

No, seriously. It is one thing that some students really do want to join, and good for them. But it is a whole other thing, that it is compulsory to take another 2 clubs and expect us to be active in all three. This isn’t something new. For years this frustration has been going on, but what makes today different is the implementation of force. Previously, more than half the school skipped it and went unspoken, mostly cause logic would tell you that the system in the first place is a failure and there is no point rectifying it.

The whole idea of a uniform unit being beneficial to ALL is ancient and should remain in museums. But the main thing that got me fuming today was the fact that the students were given the situation to adapt IN A BAD WAY. To lie, to ninja your way out of a sticky UNFEASIBLE idea of a lock down is being induced.

Triple standards. That’s the way I see it. NO way to make such lock down feasible, and no reason to do so as well.

Why am I writing this, other than to release my frustration? To make sure everyone who was involved with this really immature incident today see the imprints behind it, and to take it seriously. If we, as the students (that make the school) don’t voice out, what more ridiculous actions would the school take next time?

Don’t obey blindly without reasoning. Think, logic, does it make sense?

This might seem really little even in magnification, but it affects every single one of us students. And I say that’s big of a matter enough. So get your parents to complain, circulate this message or write your own thoughts out – cause the little things in our community matters.

-Someone longing for justification-

No?

It couldn't have been any clearer. The click sound in my head was loud - it was then that the scale started to shift balance towards the opposite end. Again.

I'm so fed up! I'm fed up how for the past 2 years, my social life has been segregated to sections. One end would be friends, and the other end could be summed up to CF. It's as if I planned to choose one for a whole 3 months and shift to the other side for the next.

Today, that will change. How?

As the scale tips too far to one side, I regain mentality of the opposite (yes yes kill me now phantom-readers of this blog. no seriously). Even on the 14th of January, I walked into an area of 1Utama I would have never gone to. As I opened the door to a room with a thick, musty atmosphere of cigarette smoke, I knew it wasn't my comfort zone.

Probably, it was little things like this that induced the "click" in my head. Maybe it's natural instinct that shouts "JASON, stop whatever you're getting yourself into and get back on the boat!". It makes sense for my brain to tell me that. But every time the distance I travel out of my comfortable boat gets further.

Then again, the opposite end of the scale is an extreme of its own. Although I have probably been there only once, the manifestation of revo was way too extreme. Way too fast, too vigorous. Who went out for an extended period of time doing something I couldn't really comprehend but did it anyway cause I was told it was in the name of Jesus? Me - and looking back, I have damaged lines that probably cannot be repaired. The craziness took over and I donned the label - 'Christ-cookie-giver'.

But that is an old story. The story now is - damn't, I need to find balance.

I need to struggle against going to extremes. So Jason,

stop going out just for the sake of going out. There's nothing wrong staying at home.

Take calculative decisions before approaching someone. Be a sincere friend first, not an evangelistic nut.

Learn to share conversations in the middle of the canteen walkway. Cause sticking to one side all the time is bad.

Don't drop your post in CF. (because I'm in the mentality to say this right now)

Learn about your friends more. Build stronger connections pls.

And the key to balance on both sides? I need to learn how to say no properly.

Page Eig- I don't care.

A place to vent. Yeah, that's what I need.

--

Ambivalent - exactly how my mind is working right now. It's probably making every thought I have exaggerated though due to all the dramatic novels I've been reading.

This week preceded events that will be factors in my life for the next two years.

It's scary to comprehend that the stuff happening around me right now, especially right now will be tangible in the near future. Okay so let me just break what I want to say here, contradicting my 2011 wrap up post down there.

I totally just made my secondary school life a hundred times more stressful, accepting what I decided to drop last year. Plus, did I not only agree to take in the insane amount of pressure I initially had, I literally requested for more stress for the year 2013. But, what was the logic? Was it REALLY cause I wanted a nicely planted "EIC" on my resume?

And here comes the first dilemma of balance. Maybe, a subconscious thought is that I just can't let go of Nostalgia. Maybe, I can't handle the fact of not being part of something that managed to get me in so much trouble with the school, but at the same time I get my share of pull stringing in the office (oh gosh that's a bad reason). Would it be so terrible to give in to an aching feeling? However at the same time, I need consistency. I suck horribly at finishing a job.

So what does it come down to? It comes down to reaccepting the fact that I'm going to sit in a room interviewing people that want to get on this awesome journey. Maybe this whole write up was just to get you (whoever is reading this. yeay sluggish vain blogpost) to consider joining it (not really). But okay, promise to self #1 this year, I need to find a freaking successor. Time to pedo a bit *grins*

--

And, I'm scared. Shaken - by 4 Balau. Other than the fact that the class is a complete bore other than us back row people, the fear is not the fact that my class might suck. It's the horrible thought that because I'm the most isolated alongside my tendencies of becoming too occupied to even care about friends that I completely forget about them.

No, I cannot do that. I must put close amity as priority #1. As to avoid making this post overdramatic (or more than it already is), I shall end here by saying I'VE COMPLETED 6 NOVELS SINCE I CAME BACK *achievement*

I shall go back to Victor screaming in my ear on a Skype call.

Balance of 2011.

Hello there. Welcome to the reading of my wrap up of 2011 that I have been promising myself since the start of the year to get done. However, as procrastination cannot be removed from my vocabulary, I obviously had to wait a year to do it! But anyway, emo post on this forsaken blog - here we go!

-

Since trying to do this in chronological order failed, and seeing my memory is just horrible I shall start with the ones I remember freshest.

South East Asian Youth Leadership Program Fall 2011

It really all started with fumbling upon a post on PJCC's Facebook page that lead to the US Embassy website. I have to be honest, I totally over reacted when I finished reading the page. Immediately I printed out all the pages, began filling up my details ALL in the midst of a week before PMR trials. Less than a week after I submitted my application, the person in charge of this from the embassy, Helena called my mum's handphone while I was sleeping. Slapping myself out of slumberland, I totally flipped cause I was freaking going to US for 25 days FOC!

After that, everything was a constant build up (okay not really, I still had PMR to go. Man, it passed by so quickly I honestly can't remember sitting for it anymore. Anyway, yay 7As wooo). Packed up my luggage filled with a bang spent on Uniqlo clothing, I was checking in at KLIA on the 24th of October. It was insanely awkward with Jo Yee and Yung May, the other 2 participants from KL. I mean like SERIOUSLY IT WAS LOL. In Singapore the next morning, the ever memorable moment of calling Fadli's name for the first time while the Bruneians were walking. 14 hours on a TV-less flight later (darn United Airlines), we touched down in freaking Chicago!

And it just goes on and on with every day filling up my memory capacity, way more than I could handle. From the 25th till 10th November we were in Dekalb, Illinois and thereafter until the 19th was spent at Holiday Inn, Washington D.C. (technically Alexandria). 11 days in Dekalb, I was welcomed in an all American house where my liberal side was torn open and let loose.

My host family was an insane one, in the good way of course. Probably the one thing worth mentioning is the weird friendship I had with my host brother, Matthew. Meh, and the worst regret was that I never had a proper goodbye. But that's for another blog post altogether. And there's Alex, a Caucasian-hippie version of Johanan and host mum and Mark who seem to be really comical at times. AND Nana, who hit a deer while we were there. All these, I store in a box in my heart locked - to be only opened when necessary.

The people running the whole program, another box labeled America tugged in my heart which gets opened quite often by Dr Jim, always on FB chat, heh. And Rai, the most sarcastic person I'll ever meet in my life. Not to mention Scott (who scarily reminds me of my uncle) and Jordan! And Emily and Eric who followed us to D.C. Not to forget the students of NIU who brought Jo Yee and I out for dinner that night at Buffalo Wild Wings and Dairy Queen (and passing by the frat houses (!!).

And the best of all really, the people I met were the fellow South East Asians, from Vietnam, Laos, Brunei and Singapore. I mean like seriously, how on earth would you meet these kind of people at the tender age of 15? The whole time I shared a room with Ter Shien, from Singapore. That means the whole host stay, us two astounded chinese boys are trying to catch up with everything that was going on. And my host sisters, Alia from Brunei and Ya from Laos, so many things to write. I just love how we were the only ones that had more than 2 host siblings. My fellow Malaysians, whom I really didn't like at first but ended up being simply irreplaceable to me. After everyone went on their own routes, us Malaysians were finally alone at Changi Airport and we spent the whole night of transit wrapping up everything that happened. Plus the one that was with me through it all, Fadli from Brunei. I wouldn't know who to sit next to every time we're on the bus. (definitely more than that)

But the whole trip, with all the American history input, the one that still rings in my mind is the highlight on Thomas Jefferson's memorial - life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. Additionally, all the Martin Luther King Jr. quotes on his memorial are amazingly applicable to my own journey as a Malaysian. How every time when we sit around the TV watching Larry King or some news parody, Matthew pauses and explains to me everything that's going on - particularly Democrats vs Republicans, marijuana and a lot of Modern Family. Rounding up, this was the greatest exposure towards equality, zero media censorship and how secularism works.

Adopting a cousin from China

This wasn't what I expected of a pleasant Christmas, but it turned out much more than that. I'd expected to really hate China. All the culture and language appalls me here. However, it wasn't that bad. For some reason, I did not feel disgusted (wokay strong word) with the culture or language whatsoever. In fact, I finally put in effort to learn Mandarin and stuff!

Anyway, the whole time in Zheng Zhou, Henan was well spent with my aunt's family. On 26 December, I witnessed the handover of babies and a toddler from their caretakers to their new parents. It is a sight that many people don't have the chance to see at all. My heart broke when we entered the office, a 5 year old toddler was sitting on the lap of his caretaker. Happily smiling away, his new parents came to him (American of course) and picked him up. He didn't show any sign of resist, or more notably no sign of attachment to his caretaker. And she had no choice, but to release the child - who cannot walk due to spinal problems. To see a toddler you've been caring for years, and handing him over forever for the betterment of his future.. she had no other reaction other than tears. It isn't the fault of anybody. Not the boy's parents, cause if they had not dumped him, he would have not received the medical treatment he did. Not the caretaker, cause it was her job to temporarily take care of him. Not his new parents, who wants to give him a new lease of life. So, whose fault is it?

My own cousin, on the other hand is a story of a miracle. She was found on a busy road at a place called Anyang. Afterwards she was put in an orphanage nearby, and was given the name An Rui Bin. All the kids in that orphanage was given the name "An", after the place they were found - Anyang. She was then diagnosed with a malignant tumor at her bottom which was considered life threatening. Immediately, she was flown to Shanghai for medical treatment (top class, of course) and stayed with American foster families whom showered her with love. And it turns out after the operation to remove the tumor, it wasn't malignant. It was just a normal tumor that if correctly diagnosed at first, she would not have made the top of the list to receive treatment. She was the last baby to arrive at the office we were at, and my cousin Lydia (who was also adopted 5 years ago) finally got her baby sister.

The insignificant things about this trip was how amazed I was at China. Walking on the streets in the city, my parents and I were shocked by people randomly dancing on the street. I mean like, literally a big group of easily 100 people - half line dancing and the other half ballroom dancing. Yes, you read correct. In a communist country, the people are happy. A church member we met at Shanghai said, even if democracy was applied, it would be havoc - getting a billion people to vote. An amazing contrast with USA, which had amazing similarities at the same time. And Shanghai, oh Shanghai. KL has a long way to catchup with this extremely advanced city. The human round about made Orchard Road look like a kampung.

I also had the chance to visit the Shaolin Temple, which was even more of a culture shock when I saw kids having their lives devoted to martial arts and all that kind of stuff. It really almost is what we see in the movies - minus the bad guys. Heck, some athletic teams are sent there for 3 months to train in the cold, mountainous surrounding alongside the Shaolin monks. All really amazing. Counting down the New Year in Mandarin was a new experience too!

Mighty Minds 2011

Now, my mind could not record everything that was going on because most of the time it spent its energy trying to remember facts and formulas. After winning state (amazingly), nationals was a whole other thing altogether. Pn Cheah had totally pscho-ed us into believing everyone else was crazy smart and we had no chance to win at all. We did believe though, and we walked in the competition with that mindset (although Ke Hui totally blew our cover after her vocabularious speech at the opening dinner).

The first challenge was Hands On, where we had to build a model from everyday materials to fulfill a task. When the challenge came out, we were stuck. It was a similar one Pn Cheah had showed us before, and she showed us a model built by the head judge himself. So we decided to go with that along with some alterations. The 2 hours was brutal. However what was more brutal was when we had to give a 1 minute explanation of our model and the bloody thing couldn't work. We pulled through with a 16/20.

Then, it was the Minds On, basically like a mystery/code to crack. Of course, we got a code (which we didn't practice much at). We were that close to cracking it. The key was in our hands, but we just didn't apply it to the correct thing. Kuala Lumpur got a perfect ten for this one. We trailed 2nd to them, while getting 6/10 for this one. Oh gosh we were freaking out for Multiple Choice Questions. Ke Hui, Shu Ming and I were split up, answering the questions individually and our score was cumulative. I don't know how, but we got the highest for this one with KL just a few decimals behind.

We broke 2nd, and that night was BRUTAL. Preparing for the presentation was freaking no joke. She was freaking out. They were crying. I was trying to finish the slides. We pulled it off, and entered the buzzer round with hopes to catch up with Kuala Lumpur. But we knew we didn't, and we were satisfied with being the first runner up for Mighty Minds 2011, Nationals. (along with 10k to be split!)

Last Year of Nostalgia

It's apparent now that I have made my decision to resign as Graphics Director after 2011. The journey of Nostalgia has been amazing, but I have too many things on my hands. What more, this year was.. brutal. It LITERALLY brought me close to tears. After all the enormous amount of hours put into a book that people would happily look through for an hour, the 3 years of service was no waste. Sam, Jiawei, Andrea, Joseph, Jessie, Krystle - these people took me through this journey, notably as being a Nostalgian first.

Being heavy hearted to see the remaining ones continuing the journey, I wish them a very very sincere all the best (cause I'm rarely sincere). Rufina, Rayshell, Jake, Yen Ni, JUN YU (whose been with me since afternoon session days), these people are going to make an awesome magazine. (and obviously choosing a better printer who missed out 16 pages. Yes, I'm talking about you Mr Teh -________-)

Dynamick V1.0

Like a cougar pouncing on its prey (whut?) this group of people has made my life 140% more cheerful. I mean, it took me by surprise how much fun I had with them. It all started by selling Mickeymitez tee shirts, and then Josephine proceeded to form a real team that had to pour in hours of sacrificing study time to make loads of banners and cards (Read : skipping class for 3 weeks and fooling around with paint and silly headbands).

So here's a mention to Josephine, Shao Wen, Jessie, Xiu Pei, Wan Jyn, Emily, Manda, Erica, Andrea, Stanley, Joseph, Rufina - each of us being from different clans turned out to be awesome. All the stress we handled handling the crowd during Cheer was worth it. AND the stress sitting in WanJyn's car with 5 people squeezing at the back DRIVING IN THE HEAVY RAIN ON THE WAY TO CURVE. Next year isn't going to be the same, and I'm so freaking privileged to be part of the first edition.

DJ Pride (aka Debate)

I have no idea where to start. This basically forms my personality, my passion to argue, to analyze. I mean, this year was my first time entering a tournament - KIDs BP 2011. The whole journey, with everyone in it developed me so intensely. The process of getting permission slips to practice during school hours was a practice to pull strings, favors. A struggle to balance the worry of bureaucratic matters and improving myself to break. But we didn't break, and it didn't matter.

Then it was UKM IV, where I had to go against the people that adjudicated me. Now that, was an amazing flight of continuous pressure, stressing out being undermined due to age and ability. Since Siew and I didn't break (one point away, as always) I had to rush back home and get ready for Cheer the next day. But that isn't that point.

Debate isn't just another activity - it changes you, it moulds you. It forces the shell that you have to break and shatter so hard you will have a mental breakdown in the middle of a practice motion. The result being going out to speak and doing a horrible job cause you couldn't analyze. Blame the fog in your head. But then, the next speech you give, the nerve and butterflies are destroyed - to become a fierce lion that might have to face a bigger lion, the latter winning most of the time.

But it's the people that matter the most. Seniors, who come back to train us. This is for you, John Lee (who was really intimidating at first), Sophia, Elena and most definitely Siew, who took me under her wing and never gave up on my failure to deliver. Our fellow not-so-senior-but-still-quite-old people, Daniel, Tim and Gheek - always in that order, for mentoring us while allowing us seeing you grow as well.

AND THEN there are the fellow battle mates, rakan seperjuangan. Zhiwei, my first BP partner who had to endure the mental torture with and of me. Going through 7 rounds with a person does make a link that doesn't fade easily. This guy, he's just always there ready to absorb and take on the challenge. When I was away in US and the F3 training was going on, he was the one that took up the role of leading, and I'm more than glad to have him as my team mate.

Syafinas, cause she's the one that sat behind of me in F1. Thank you for being ever so yourself the whole way through. We're going to be a knocking team, I tell you. Shin Lin, for never bailing out!

Claudia Chan, cause without her we're just this boring bunch of people flinking words at each other without any BIMBO to it. Manda Chan, cause who else can we get the silent wit from? Andrew, cause I'm going to write more about him below, heh! Alycia, cause she continuously inspires me with your determination to progress. Hazel, cause I have to send her back all the time LOL. Tze Kwang, cause he slept with the lights on in our room at UKM. And providing his crib for us to practice and hang out before we head of to KDU! Jeremy, for helping with my Ladies and Gentlemen problem.

We'll bring back more trophies this year.

Christian Fellowship

Can I just say that this year in CF, was a FREAKING HECTIC ONE! I am not kidding. From Day 1 of 2011, a huge amount of time was spent on MSN with Andrew planning out our masterpiece of sadism. Let me stop here and just mention Andrew. He, the person I held hands with in 2009 cause we share the same birthday and Elena prayed for us in CF, was the least expected person I would have guessed to be paired with for games ala CF Camp. I imagined him a quiet, naive boy who didn't really like talking to anybody. The latter was apparently true until this year though LOL. But the former, totally wrong. As I got to know him more and more, he's just this person of depth knowledge bout wars and algorithms and stuff. I have the honorary privilege to witness him breaking out of his cocoon to become our vice-president. And, he's more than a normal friend with an Australian accent now.

Continuing. Camp was a one running around with him figuring out games and stuff. Talking bout games, coincidence brought Jessie and I to be in the same group, and that unleashed the toxic in me. If you don't know what that means, you obviously don't know me enough. Oh gosh who am I expecting to read this anyway?

CF, was led by our mighty president Tim Sim who probably is more of a discipline teacher to me than anything. In a good way, of course. He was alongside two vice presidents, Manda and Heidy. Manda - I've known her since 10, and this is probably the last year I have time to spend with her. She is a crazy woman. And I'm so happy for your discovery of Magikarp! And then there's Heidy, who continuously is there to support and be on MSN to hear me complaining all the time. She's been there since Day 1 for me at CF, and I'm happy to say that I've never regretted following her invite.

Then there was the Easter play. For a few days after school we would walk to Yi Qian's house to practice the script of lameness by Alycia and Megan. I really had fun putting out wits to compete with Christopher Tan's own. There was also the outing. Which reminds me - I still owe Erica and Cassandra soy bean milk, but that's another story. I don't know what else to write bout CF, it's just an ever growing family. Irreplaceable, bounded by a line that won't break even if a table fell on its toe.

Friends & Family

Last but not least, I've grown to realize the people that I WILL stay in touch with until college or so. Which group of friends that I would? The ones on the same pace as me, the ones that have been with me through countless number of dramas be it all the way from primary school or as recent as Katy Perry's divorce. None other than my 96'ers.

My 3 Angsana peeps, whom I abandoned for 3 months. These people are my joy and comfort when I'm in class. The person I'm sitting next to, Victor Geh Wei Kuan has took me on a roller coaster ride this year - both figuratively and literally. He's the reason I'm a practiced insomniac. I mean the first three months of the year was spent answering his phone calls at the middle of the night for a reason at his discretion, but it made an everlasting friendship, a brothership for that matter. He's the one I can call a bestfriend. (enough of the soppiness I've given enough soppiness throughout the year already).

Mah guyzzz, Aaron and Shannon who has been backing me up the whole year. Yes Shannon, the day before PMR spent "studying" was real helpful. Kay-Li, Zheng Yang, Sera, Lianne, Megan, Eu Lim, they've been some of my closest friends. I know they're all going to be a constant element in my life. I know I disregard them sometimes (okay, a lot of times!) but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate them any less. So thank you for being the awesome peeps you are! (if they ever read this anyway, do YOU think I'm talking to air?)

Then there's family, that has always been there for me no matter what, supporting me the whole way through be it ALL OF THE ABOVE. I love them from the bottom of my heart.

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So, 2011, what one word can wrap you up? INSANE. Nothing less. Going to the world's two largest economies is an amazing experience. But it's not that, it's everything wrapped up in a ball - it might not be decorated nicely, but the content and relationships that have been built, the bonds made and the knowledge gained.. irreplaceable.

Sorry for all the grammar errors for you gNazis out there. I was checking it for the first few paragraphs and gave up after that. 3685 words!!

Here's to 2012, a year to top 2011. I'm not going to set resolutions, cause those never work out. I am only going to promise myself to do my very best, to make each and every second count.

But I do have to say..

Let's go Turkey!