It's the first of June. The beginning to the end to the first half of 2013. And the single word that can encompass the progression is change. Too commonly said, the change in my life is insane. Like, cray cray. I'm surprised I'm holding myself together adapting to it. What do I mean
1. Let's take the most textbook analysis of any teenager's life and say that moving houses would be much of a change. Not from a house to another, but to a freaking condominium. Entering a whole different philosophy of communal living and mutual distance. The process isn't any easier. Packing. Reminiscing. Deciding what kind of room that would accommodate my present self, future self and absent self. Knowing by a certain date, your locus of living will change. Forever. And there's no reverse. And yet I still have to deal with the excitement of fresh people and the amazing facilities. Balance.
2. The very obvious shift of social circle. I can't begin to describe how different it is now. From literally dismantling the shannon relationship, the fast growing and deepening debate circle, the distancing outer circle of what are known now as clubbers, the concentration of emotions in sera and anthony among just a few others..
It's disturbing. To know that it's out of your capacity to reconnect certain strings. It's even more disturbing to know that this shift was in effect by mere physical absence. What is the litmus test to a good relationship?
As of 2AM on the 2nd of June, my heart feels burdened with coming at peace with my apathy towards enjoying this shift of social circles.. for good reason.
3. Coming to terms with an expanding Jason's list. This means two things.
i) Redrawing the demarkations of how interaction would work with people that know. Not that much of a difference. The harder one being
ii) Figuring out how the hell do I sustain a friendship with somebody that doesn't.
It gets more opaque every time I talk to someone, conscious that my very being is a lie. That we came to terms on deception that was of my fault. The fact that I do not trust you enough to give you a key that unlocks the honesty within me. And I question myself why I made that decision not to trust. That process is unappetising.
The more people I tell, the more I differentiate my kind of connections I have with people. The change is to learn to integrate (lol add maths, which is equally as worrying)
4. Or more specifically to number 3.. how the fuck do I talk to guys that know. Like, how. What. What's the line between appropriate and initiating homophobia.
5. The realisation that I know what I want and still carrying stuff I don't want. And the subsequent anger.
I want to debate. I want more intellectual discourse. I want depth. All these I know.
Yet I'm still burdened with this fucked up shallow summit I initiated out of of last resortness and now it's just killing me at the back of my head!
The change is learning to adapt to things I really don't want. Previously, everything was a breeze cause I was genuinely interested in a plethora of items. It's different.
6. View of humanity. (siaaaaaaaaa)
To be continued
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